we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
