Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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