i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
