I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
