"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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