Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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