i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
