Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
