He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
