Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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