I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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