I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
