1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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