Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
