I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I want a musical about memes.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
