Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
