If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
