An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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