I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
