Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
