don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
