My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
