At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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