so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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