You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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