Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Everything about him screamed your future.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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