I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
