Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my phone needs a breathalizer
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
