i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
