no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
