Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
