sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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