Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
