I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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