I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
