I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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