We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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