I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
