..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
