i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
