I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
