omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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