Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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