I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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