so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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