i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
