I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm always down for nudity.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
