remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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