I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
