I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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