Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
