If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
